May 21

#ididnotreport: Anna

The #ididnotreport series is an opportunity for rape and sexual assault victims to tell their stories when they may have been prevented  from reporting it to authorities. These come with a pretty hefty Trigger Warning as they contain very truthful details about the realities of rape and sexual assault.

About two months ago I was walking home from an event. It was stupid of me to walk alone but I did it. I do lots of stupid things. I was feeling good that night. My life had been changing for the better. I am trans and I had finally transitioned. It had been a year. I had lost 140 pounds in that same year. I was back to school and looking forward to a career. Nothing could bother me.

I stopped for a donut and a coffee. I didn’t really want to go home and go to bed. A man came in that I recognized from my apartment building and I smiled at him. Mistake number two there. I should know better than to flirt. Smiling is flirting. My best friend outlined all these mistakes to me one night on the phone. He came over and said hello. Asked if he could sit with me. I said yes (mistake 3 just to keep track). We chatted, he flirted, it felt good. I craved male attention. Wanted the validation. That’s what always gets me is being needy and wanting love.

Eventually it came time to leave and he asked me if I wanted a ride since he knew where I lived. I didn’t want my night to end so I said yes (#4) and got in his truck. We started down the road and he suddenly turned into a school and stopped. I was a bit surprised but I figured he wanted to talk more. He asked me if I wanted to be a real girl and I knew then that he knew. I fool myself alot into thinking people don’t know but they mostly do and are just to polite to point at the trans freak. He wanted me to give him a blow job. I tried to leave. I couldn’t find my voice. He grabbed me and said it wasn’t a request. Maybe I should have fought back and nothing would have happened. My friend calls that mistake number 5. I am not very strong anymore. Since my ankle surgery I certainly can’t run. So I did it. Then he wanted more so I let him turn me over and do that too. Then he called me a faggot. And kicked me a bunch of times. Then he tossed me in the parking lot. He spit on me. In my hair.

I probably deserve it. You see this wasn’t the first time for me. Thats why im extra stupid.

When I was a child there was a family member. He knew what i was when the rest of my family didn’t. He offered a chance for me to be a little girl too. He let me wear my cousins clothes. He always called me a young lady. Called me pretty. And he raped me. I let him. I was 8 I think when it started and it lasted for years. Half of me welcomed it. I wasn’t allowed to be girly at home. Half of me hated it but i never stopped it and there was worse. I didn’t report it.

I found out later that he didn’t just do it to me. My cousin who I loved called him out on it. She was braver than me. But no one believed her. Still don’t. I could have said something. I was afraid that my secret would come out so I didn’t. I selfishly and cowardly didn’t want to jeoparadize my own status in my family. She suffers from addiction. She has lost most of her family. I am still being a coward. Even though I’m out now. Because im a bad person. I still see him sometimes and I sit and act polite. I don’t tell anyone. I let her bear it alone.

I didn’t report the recent event either. I put myself in these situations. I let other people get hurt. I don’t deserve to be happy. I figure I deserved the recent event too. The cops aren’t going to want to help a sick trans freak like me anyway. I am having trouble finding a councillor. The first one I saw said I should be reporting. But I couldn’t make myself do that because im a coward and stupid. The second service said they would let me know. They just werent sure when. During my childhood I had started to self harm. I also overate. Tried to kill myself more than once too. I had cleaned up and had pushed those urges away. Now they are back. I don’t sleep well. Nightmares are always there.  I eat too much. I am starting to hurt myself again. I did not report. I am bad. I am stupid.

For full details on submitting your own personal #ididnotreport go here or email me with questions. There are adjustments to comment policies in these posts. Authors get to choose whether comments are allowed. If comments are allowed, I will not tolerate any comments that are less than supportive for the victims. I will delete them without warning. These posts are not the place for nuanced discussion. The purpose is to give rape and sexual victims a voice.

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