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Apr 30

Opening the door

This one will be harder on me than it is on you.

If you read my repost on Saturday it should have given you some clue that I have some secrets, that these secrets suffocate me, and that I am trying my best to survive.

Today, I am going to open my closet and try and throw out a couple of coats. I am going to try and give myself a little breathing room. It should be easy for me talk about this. After all, I blog anonymously but in reality, at least one person I know irl (besides Jerreg and Nissa of course) reads this blog.  Outside that fact, if I fuck up somehow and people make solid connections between me and this blog, I stand to lose a lot of people I care about. This is a BIG fear for me. Nonetheless readers, I need to breathe so I am going to say “fuck all” and do this thing.

I am polyamorous.

Three simple words. Three horrifying words. Three words that changed my life.

Let’s go back a little while to when Jarreg and I met. I was a hopeless goddist creature then. No amount of “god loving me” was ever going to teach me to love myself. No amount of fucking for all the wrong reasons was going to fix the damage my step-father left. No amount of cutting was going to suddenly make me sane.

Jarreg did these things. He loved me so much, I couldn’t help but love myself and everything else followed after.

I healed, not completely but some. I healed enough that when things got hard for us, I left. I told him that I didn’t love him anymore (though I did) and I made him go.

It was the hardest thing I ever did. I spent the next year and a half of my life crying myself to sleep. I know how terribly teenage this sounds (I was a teenager after all) but there was no doubt in my mind that Jarreg was it for me. He was my true soul mate, and I let him go. Years later I came back to him. He was married. He left her when I came back. Tales get told and the story of Jarreg and I became a tiny legend amongst our circle (a little beyond too). People look to us and say “if you can’t make it, I don’t know that anyone can” and “you two were meant to be together.” Damned if we didn’t believe it too. There were struggles, but fuck we both knew how much the world sucked when we weren’t together. Neither of us for one second entertained the thought of separating. We were of and for each other.

We were soul mates.

The soul mate myth persisted well after we no longer believed in souls. We ceased having an explanation for it but we both knew that there was something special in us. Strike that everyone knew. Everyone told us. Our love could conquer all.

Cue meeting Nissa. There was a strong connection when Nissa and I met online. Instant friendship. I gave Nissa a level of trust that went well beyond my average amount of trust. She returned the same trust in me.

Then she fell in love with me.

She was always flirty. Jarreg’s jokes about my new girlfriend were coming true. She was in love with me and now I know. It hurt to know how she felt. I wanted to help her not to love me. I thought surely she just loved what Jarreg and I are like so many other people. Surely I could help her find love (even if temporary) in someone else. While trying to help her stop loving me, I ended up growing ever closer to her. I started to daydream of her with my family. I imagined taking her along on holidays and vacations with all of us. I wanted Nissa to be an influence on my children.

I was falling in love with her.

This wasn’t hidden from Jarreg. He was constantly updated. I fancy myself to be a compulsively honest person. Don’t think for a second that my honesty is altruism. I just hate to lie to people I care about. It turns me into a jumbled mess inside. Before I ever realized that what I was feeling for Nissa was more than platonic yet loving friendship, Jarreg knew.

And then the bombshell hits me. I feel about Nissa the same way I feel about Jarreg. The way they both occupy my thoughts. The way I want them in my life. The way I want to touch and hold both of them.

I am in love with two people.

I fall to pieces. This can’t work. I feel it inside but what I feel is fucked up. What I feel is wrong. Jarreg gives me the science. He tells me it is real to be able to love two people. He tells me it is called polyamory. I just assumed that people had open relationships. Loving two people though? No that was unimaginable.

I went through, am going through, a roller coaster of emotions. Jarreg is not poly. I see the hurt I have caused. I cannot help but view my love, what I am, as substandard to his love, to what he is.

I cannot help but hate myself.

I have so few people I can talk to about this. When I do talk, I feel like I am waiting for them to tell me how perverse I am, how cruel I am to force this upon Jarreg. I know that I have manipulated them both into loving me and deep down I know that they both deserve more than what I am inside. For the last year plus now, I have been everything. I have been self loathing, hopeful, suicidal, angry, and giddy with new relationship energy.

So many things compound to make it harder. I can’t hold Nissa.  For reasons I plan not to explain here, I can’t even see Nissa in person.  I live in a town, a state that would probably kick me out if they could for my heathen ways. Nissa has a girlfriend of her own, and I am not immune to jealousy. All these things though are nothing compared to the simple truth that I don’t love myself anymore. No matter how much these two fantastic people continue to love me, I can’t forgive myself for letting it happen.

I am trying to get better. I am trying to learn to forgive myself but fuck am I scared this might break me. I am fucking scared I might break everyone else while I die slowly inside.

That is about all I can really explain here today. The tears flow while I write this, and I don’t need any more bad days right now. I needed to come out here though. I am scared though. I am scared that connections will get made and my life, my children’s lives will be altered by me opening this door. I couldn’t breathe though. I needed to talk about it. I needed to do this, so take this coat I have given to you as you will.

It is no longer mine to drown in.

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